Dear Beloved.
Today is about the rest of your life. Today is about healing and letting go so that you will be able to see and appreciate what you have and truly be thankful for it. I can only tell you about things that I am passionate about in this blog. I can’t waste time on non-sense because time belongs to no man/woman. Healing from the inside out is a great thing. I am only a work in progress, but I can tell you that there are some skills that I have mastered. I did not grow up with parents in a traditional sense of what we think parents are. My aunt and my grandmother adopted me and raised me as there own. I miss them dearly. I don’t have time to tell you about all of the valuable lessons that I learned growing up with these two wonderful women, so I will just tell you about one lesson that has taken me a lifetime to learn. Love Yourself. My aunt would take me to Downtown Chicago and walk me around the Water Tower Place and we would visit all of the high end stores and she would tell me to never let people make me feel like less than what I am. I didn’t get it then, but as I grew up I understood.
I sometimes still have to fall into those words in order to make me feel like I’m somebody. I wont go into the struggle because that is not the important part. I will just tell you that knowing that your parents are around and they are living their lives raising other children and doing the things that they want to do is hard. It made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, so I spent the better part of thirty years chasing the dream of what it would be like to just know them. For them to spend one whole birthday with me or to have them be part of an important day. I never got that from them, but I got it from my aunt and my granny and that was all the better. Hindsight truly is 20/20. My heart broke so many times over the years that I am sure that there are no places left to patch. That was the problem, you go numb after so much pain. I was so numb that I was abusing myself. I was not taking care of myself or my family. I was just doing the routine day after day. I woke up one day after yet another run in with a parent and I asked myself what the hell I thought I was missing. I asked myself what it was that I wanted so badly from these people. Love I said aloud, but I realized that they do love me. They love me where they are and how they are and this is as good as it gets. I realized that there love was not going to be my saving grace and it wasn’t going to heal over 40 years of searching. Isn’t that how long the Isralites spent wondering around in the desert? Isn’t there supposed to be 40 years between each generation? It all made sense to me at that landmark. There is nothing I really need from them. I love them where I am and they love me where they are and that is all any of us can ask. There will be no father daughter dance, no dance with my dad at my wedding, no mother daughter talk about what a good man is. No mother daughter trips to the mall or late night phone calls. This simply is not my life. Bitter pill to swallow when you are still chasing the dream, but when you let it go and look within and at all that God has already blessed you with it no longer matters. It no longer matters because mines is a life fulfilled. You too have to find your fulfillment. In the 4th chapter of Luke around the 23rd verse you will find Jesus saying to his disciples that the people of Capernaum will expect him to heal himself because of the healing works that he has done in other places.
This is what my aunt was telling me when she was showing me something different from the projects that we started out in and the Westside of Chicago where I spent most of my youth. The meaning was the same when you really look at it. I am healing and I wish you a speedy recovery as well. I know what the power of Faith can do. I named my daughter for this power and there will be no doors closed to her if she only puts her mind to it. No matter what the dillema the answer lies within. No matter how dark the tunnel there is light at the end. No matter how sad the situation surely you will smile again. No matter how long you have been wondering in the desert the map is right in front of you and all you have to do is believe. Just like Dorothy in The Wiz...BELIEVE.
I pray your strength.
AMEN
No comments:
Post a Comment